It’s OK Not To Be Ok….. That’s What I’m Learning

I thought long and hard before writing this blog post, but I decided to write it as just maybe it will help me explain what I’m feeling.

On 21st of January 2019 I was diagnosed with depression. Ironically that day is scientifically the most depressing day of the year.

For just over a year I have not been feeling myself, even going through periods of not wanting to see or speak to anyone. I found that nearly everyday of the past year I was crying multiple times during the day and most nights I was crying myself to sleep at night. The littlest of things could set me off and this could result in a few silence tears or an all out screaming and crying fest. As well as this my anxiety that I have battled with since I was 19 was through the roof I was starting to suffer with panic attacks again that I had under control for years, as well as overthinking every little thing.

It was also getting to the stage were I was waking up in the middle of the night and not able to get back to sleep, leaving me with some lovely deep thoughts which ended in more tears. I was lashing out at people I loved and having the most horrible mood swings and thoughts. To be honest I was just fed up. A Sunday night afew weeks back I was on the phone to my boyfriend someone who I count as the best thing to happen to me. Someone who can make me a laugh and smile over nothing and when I hung up I just sat and cried for no reason and I just realised I couldn’t go on like this, that night I didn’t sleep at all and the next morning I was in the doctors office.

The waiting room was full when I was called in. My doctor is lovely and I have been going to her for years. She has been with me for the start of my journey with MS. I sat down infront of her and she asked me what was wrong. I couldn’t even look at her as I started to cry … and cry I did, I finally managed to get out how I was feeling and that I just couldn’t do it anymore. I remember there was clock in the room and it was ticking so loudly as I waited for someone to say something. Finally she looked at me and said Katie that’s depression.

The doctor looked through my files and looked up my MS medication. One of the main side effects of the injection is depression, it is also a symptom of MS. For over 2 and a half years I have been injecting myself with this medicine and while it has thankfully been keeping my MS at bay. It has contributed to depression and has made me feel like shite if I’m honest. The doctor sat with me for ages even with a room full of people outside trying to find the right antidepressants for me one that I could take incojuction with my MS medication. She even gave me xanex for the very bad days. I apologised for taking up so much of her time considering there was a waiting room full of people. She told me do not apologise, it’s her job and that depression is an illness just like any other. To that woman I am very grateful.

I have been on these antidepressants for 2 weeks I apparently should be starting to see a difference in the next few days or weeks.

This last year has been torture. This is an understatement if I’m honest. But I got through it and now I’m working on getting better. But it sucks.

Everyday I’m taking one day at a time, I’m trying even day to take a few minutes to myself whether that is having a cup of coffee or doing some meditation. I’ve also started to do a major declutter in my room. A task that I hate. I’m not going to hide the fact I have depression nor that I have MS because they are both apart of me both illnesses that I hate but that I have.

The support I have received from my mother, boyfriend and friends has been amazing and I can never thank them enough for sticking by me.

Since starting my antidepressants it’s been a rocky road already. My anxiety has been VERY high at times, I am still crying yes but I’m hoping these will get me better. In the last 2 weeks I have only had one extremely bad day where I had to take a xanex to try and help me through it.

Now I have to play a waiting game for 1 the antidepressants to kick in and hopefully make me feel better and 2 I have to go back to my neuro to see if they are willing to let me stay on the injection.

So yes I know it’s been a while since I posted here but my mind was just all over the place and I just couldn’t. Now my 2019 goal if you will is to simply work on me.

Something along the lines I have learnt is that sometimes it’s ok not to be ok.